Friday, January 11, 2013

After the Fact Movie Review: Melancholia (2011)

I like to watch movies.  I like telling other people what I like about the movies I watch.  I've posted a couple of reviews, but they are "after the fact" since I'm a regular person and won't ever see a movie before it is released to the general public.  Also, since I'm a regular person, I can't see every movie in it's first theater run, so there are a lot that I won't see until they come out on DVD or show up on cable.  So this installment officially begins "Jim's After the Fact Movie Reviews"

This review is more of a warning than anything else.

Melancholia (2011)
(Starring Kirsten Dunst, Charlotte Gainsbourg, Kiefer Sutherland, Alexander Skarsgård, John Hurt, Stelan Skarsgård, and Charlotte Rampling)


Just don't.

Look, I am totally serious.  Do. Not. Watch. This. Movie.

I can count on one hand the number of movies that I really wish I had not watched, and this is one of them. I had such high hopes for a film cast with John Hurt (as wasted in this film as his character), Kiefer Sutherland (playing the least likable character he's ever played... Ace Merril was at least really good at being a jerk), and Kirsten Dunst (in the most incomprehensible role I have seen her in, and yes, I am including The Crow:Salvation).

This is the worst movie I have ever willingly subjected myself to, and you have to take into account that I watch a lot of bad movies that I end up enjoying.  I can find a redeeming quality for almost any bad movie...  just not this one.  I had been misled on what the movie was supposed to be about because I thought it was supposed to be about "something".  Unfortunately, I subjected my lovely wife to this movie, too.  Not only was my time wasted, but I wasted that much time - that much life -  from two people. I really want our two hours back.

Seriously, do not schedule any of your precious time watching this movie. If you do, you are on your own.  This is on you now.  You are completely responsible for the sense of loathing and ennui you will feel after having sat through this complete waste of film stock.  If you have to go to the ER and get stitches in your forehead because you repeatedly slammed your head into the side of a Home Depot in an attempt to get this movie out of your mind, please remember that I warned you.

The first eight minutes are simply film student porn, showing you scenes from the movie in super slow motion that have been artistically and digitally enhanced with weird effects.  This, of course, doesn't make any sense given that you have not yet seen the movie that contains the scenes that they are now showing you in super slow motion and enhanced artistically and digitally with weird effects.  After that, the actual... story starts, but I still hesitate to use the word 'story'.  The telling of events regarding a specific person or persons are related to us visually, but it's as if we are being told them by a paranoid schizophrenic with ADHD who has been drinking Vodka and Red Bull.

I'll just say that the scene in which the stretch limo is trying to take a hard turn on a county road, and the bride and groom are trying to help the driver make said turn, only to end up abandoning the limo and walking up said country road, is the only scene in the entire movie that makes sense.  This is the first scene of the movie, and only lasts three minutes.  Eleven minutes in you have been shown a recap for a movie you haven't watched yet, and have now completed the only sequence that you can relate to.  You only have 125 minutes left.  Thankfully, about ten more minutes of that is the closing credits.  I liked the closing credits.  The font chosen was easy to read, the spacing between lines was optimal for comprehension, though the scroll speed was a little quick for my tastes.  What I liked most about the closing credits was it meant that the film was over.

If anyone suggests this movie, ask them if they would instead like to slap you in the face with uncooked Ramen noodles for two hours. It will make more sense, be less painful, and you can tell people about the noodles later without being embarrassed.

1 explosion
2 Unnecessary nudity
4 completely wasted talents
1 wasted Sci-Fi premise
0/10 Awesomes
7/10 Closing Credits Font

0.025/10 stars